Hey guys,

How is everyone? I'm still in hospital, 3 weeks now, and there isn't much sign of my being out by Easter!! Es has been coming as mucha s she can, my dad, Flash & Mike, Katie, Laura & Emma too. The Jen's sent an amazing VD selection, as did Flash & Mike and my dad .. I've ordered Grey's Anatomy & Medium too .. I'm getting through 100's!!

The other thing, actually, is a web site I found written by a woman called Seema. I don't remember how I got there but I can't stop reading it .. that's pretty amazing for me! She writes about her life, her education, family & different kinds of relationships etc. There's some pretty deep stuff actually, she's so honest, frank on occation, yet you feel connected to her, she's so warm. The topics (don't want to say stories because they're true..) she covers are thing most can relate to, sympothise with, and they are so well written. I think you should all at least check it out (www.seemassecrets.com) because I'd love to know what you make of it.
There are a few ways to 'follow' her, on Twitted she is Seema Soni & the same on FaceBook. You can find her on here, (it's an RSS though & I can't remember how it works!!) or on her website seemas Secrets. I hope you enjoy her writing as much as I do, do leave me a comment if you check her out.

I'll try & do a bit more of an informtive update at some point .. sick of talking about it, thinking about it, hearing about it .. you get my point!!

Let me know how you all are, I miss you!! x x

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Tags: esther, facebook, flash, friends, livejournal, random info, secrets, twitter, via ljapp
Current Location: Out with my iPhone

I've had so many kind comments &I can't thank you enough. Mentally you've really lifted me & topped up the spirit I needed to fight, I have A. Mazing. Friends.

Thank you again & all my love x x x

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Tags: via ljapp
Current Location: Out with my iPhone

So I got rushed in to hospital on Thursday (or Wednesday?). I was being treated for a chest infection at home but my lungs were filling up and I couldn't speak. A dr had been out two days before and suggested hospital but I wantted to at least 24h with the antibiotics. She promised a visit the next day, only no-one turned up. Es chased them up on the next morning and she came just after 12pm. As soon as she walked in she freaked I'd been left 48hs and asked to borrow the phone. I thought she'd call the surgery but she dialed 999. Didn't take them long and they were really kind but my sats were under 85 and all I wanted to do was cry.
My carer called Es who got on the bus, no real idea how long that took because the ambulence went blues & twos and I had a team of Drs waiting at the door. Taken through to reasus they started pulling clothes off and putting lines in. I didn't realize just how poorly I was until them, my heart rate was in the 200's & my sats were under 70 at points. About that time was the first time I've ever really felt like I was slipping away. Don't get me wrong, I've been scared for my life before but I've never felt it actually slipping like that.
After quite a lot of meds I started to feel a bit better and I managed to sit up. Es went home to get some bits & started to get some rest. They were debating ICU & the respiratory wards HDU but my blood gas (blood taken directly from the artery in your wrist or groin) wasn't too bad so when the ICU team came they said I could go to the ward. Only all of a suddern my sats plumeted and stopped breathing. They bagged me for a bit and I started again, they always refuse to tube me due to my physical imparment, they guess I'd last 2/3 days before I'd become vent dependent.
The ICU team came back down, did a couple of more blood gasses, it would be fair to say they were a little on the low side, and rushed me off to the CT scanner to look for a clot on my lungs. I've never seen Drs look at me quite like that before, we couldn't go to the scanner until we had a crash team and a call from the deparent that it could be done the moment I came in.
We headed back to reasus after because I was too unstable to go in a lift without a team of people each with a 'life kit' (genuinly no idea what they are).
Eventually I got up to ICU and this blur of people started pulling things and hooking me up to stuff. The junior Dr did my Art Line (same as a blood gas but they sew it in) with no local, them digging around with a 3inch needel wasn't too bad but her sewing it in was pretty horrific. But as soon as that was done they put me on the NIVentelator and I began to calm down. Having the strain and effort of breathing taken over, even when it feels a little like your being suffecated, is some kind of elation I just couldn't pit into words.
No one sleeps in ICU because there is just too much going on, alarms and constant treatment makes it almost impossible, they don't even turn the lights down. The rest of the night was a bit of a blur really, I do remember the Jr Dr telling me I had a 'little bit of phumonia' & me wonder what a big bit would be considering a 'little' had landed me in ICU.

I did feel a lot better in the morning, specially after the physio (pat, no joke, LOL) go me to vomit almost 300mils of sputem. At about 4/5 that evening I was moved down to the respiratory HDU and although I was still oxygen dependent I felt so so much better. I had two lovely 'bay buddies' Deny & Corrinder, C & I will definatly stay in touch, I was even able to talk. Then with in 12hs I couldn't stop throwing up and I was moved into a side ward after my cultures showed MRSA :(

This whole unit is new (what most of us would consider porta-cabbins) so there is no TV & I suspect I am the youngest person here by 10yrs .. well I know I am cos Corrin is 34. The nurses are kind but they don't have time to do their jobs let alone give a sobbing cripple a hug. I know this will sound stupid, but despite having a few arguments with my body before I don't often feel as unwell as I probably should- either that or almost constant infections for years leaves me feeling no different. But this time I feel so ill. My chest is still full of shit I'm finding hard to clear, my temp is up and down quicker than my food so I can't sleep or get comfy, the MRAS means no one can ce in with out barrier nursing, repeat blood gasses mean my arms are brused & swollen, ugh ... just have so little energy. I want to see people to cheer me up but just talking to Es is whiping me out.

I'm sorry to go on, just feel all out of my fighting spirit at the moment :,-(

I'm lucky I always bounce back, I'm lucky I don't always feel this ill, I'm lucky I have friends who care & who make so much effort to come and see me, I'm lucky I have reasons to stay well & active .. I could go on.

Ok, I'm going to give up moaning and try and do some recovering! I'll be ok, always. Sometimes I guess it will just be a longer road that others.

Love to you all x

p.s I thought I would treat you to a photo of the sal I am stairing at & Borris the finger puppet .. My sister brought one for me & one for Corrin. Enjoy!

Posted via LiveJournal.app.

Tags: anger, art, bed, body, chest infection, communication, death, disabled, disabled people, dr, dr's, esther, family, grr, head space, honesty, images, impairment, life, meeting people, mood, pain, phone, photography, photos, sad, sod's law, tv, understanding, unwell, urine, uti, via ljapp
Current Location: Addenbrookes hospital

Hey everyone,

A very happy new year to you all!

My name is Imogen, I live in Cambridge UK. I was born female and am happy with my body but consider my self Gender Queer. I came out as gay at 14 (nearly wrote 144!!) and have been with my partner for a number of years now.

I am a photography student in Cambridge and I am just about to go into the final term of my 3rd year. I have covered quite a few topics over the last three years including self harm, mental health, eating disorders and physical disability. You can see some of my work here: Flickr or my own web site here: Indigo Clouds Photography

This term I want to do a project surrounding 'Gender Queer' and 'Transsexuality'. So I am looking for people who might want to be involved in the project. I will be hoping to photograph a few aspects of the topic including things like: following someone through aspects of their transition, photographing people with their families, following people to Dr's appointments, visiting and photographing both home & work, doing some studio shots (including partners, with/with out make up, in underwear etc) .. For helping me out you would get a copy of your images on a disk, a copy of your favorite 5 printed up to A2 and many many thank yous from me!

Having dealt with subjects that are often unknown to family members or friends I am more than happy for people to remain anonymous. As you can see from my self harm images most participants don't have their face in the images. I would like for some of those who wish to take part to be able to have their face in the images, purely due to the nature of the project.

I don't have any money to pay those who take part but I could help with travel costs if people are on a low income and I am more than happy to provide accommodation in the form of the sofa in my front room!

Please feel free to contact me with questions, anything you might like to know. Also, feel free to pass this post onto friends who might not see it on LJ or even to other communities. I would also like people to take part in a survey that will be part of the final project so if you would like to receive that you can get in touch.

Finally, during previous projects people have contacted me suggesting that aspects of the project might be highlighting the 'wrong' parts of the issues. I warmly welcome this contact and can only understand the subject to a point with out this source of information.

My contact details:

E mail - Imogen.Jo@Gmail.com
Mobile - 0754 99 33 030
LJ - New_Kinda_Freak

Thank you for reading,
Kind Regards,

Imogen May

Current Mood: artistic

When I found out about Jessie (or Lynn as she's known in the papers) I was at uni putting up my first term degree show. Looking of photos of me during my chest infection/asthma attack from the first three weeks of term. All of a sudden the whole thing felt so pointless, so insignificant.

I couldn't control my reaction and I'm so grateful Laura (my wonderful and closest friend at uni) was there to hold me whilst I read words I knew would come one day but didn't expect to find. I didn't want other class mates to find out really, it was a big day for all of us really, but news seen spread and I couldn't have received more support. My tutor told me not to hang and to go home, but I knew Jessie wouldn't want that and to be honest the distraction was a blessing.

Until Friday afternoon I had Keeley here, although close friend of Jessie's, and it couldn't have some at a better time. I'm not sure what I would have done with out her here.

After Keeley left today I couldn't help but bottom out. All of a sudden I felt guilty for all the smiles and laughter. I felt I didn't have the right to call her a friend. I felt like some of those who are also mourning the loss of Jessie have pissed on lamp posts to make territory at a closer or better friend.

I'd started sending Jessie an e mail every night entitled 'Jessie Love' where I came up with inventive ways to photograph my Jessie lovin'. I called once a week to leave voice messages on her mobile and did my best to message her on Facebook or LJ as much as possible. After my time in intensive care Jessie and I suddenly had an even closer bond, mostly because it's something you can't really understand until you have been there.

She didn't get my last two e mails and I feel cheated out of a way to say goodbye, to tell her how much I loved her, how grateful I was for her friendship and how much every tiny bit of contact meant.

When Paul died, a very close friend who was only 22, I remember exactly where I was. Watching the TV, Fran on my left and Ali sat on the floor in front of the radiator all eating spag-bol. I couldn't understand that whilst Matt's words and my world had started running in slow motion, was still running at the same speed. I couldn't understand how I could carry on putting food in my mouth or why the rest of the world hadn't stopped, not for even a second.

Tonight all kinds of nothingness has been floating around my head. The pain in my bladder is becoming more and more intolerable, my kidneys and my back too. Despite a morphine increase a few days ago I still struggle to move even the smallest amount with out needing to rest over and over whilst I suck up the pain. I don't know what to do with my self. I'm going to turn out the lights again for the umpteenth time and hoping that I don't continue to cry my self to sleep. I'm meeting Es at 11am for a little Christmas shopping and lunch but I don't know how I'm going to manage it. I know we had ideas as to how her move to Cambridge would change our relationship but I don't think either of us expected it to result in such regular disappointment and heart ache.

I'm planning to give my self a day or two to chill out before I get back to my dissertation and photography projects.

I've just seen as LJ entry from Jessie's closest friend alerting us to a woman called Joey who's not only made her Facebook photo and LJ user icon Jessie's face, but she's got in touch with the police and given them access to Jessie's prive LJ entrys!!!!!!! Tonight I'd do anything to take out all this rage on her face .. AAAAARRRRRRRRRRGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!

Tags: anger, death, facebook, friends, jessie, love, pain, sad

I realize this is one of those things where some may not like my asking this but i'm a little desperate! I managed to get a PC laptop but now need to try and find some softwear.

my last infection left me with serious problems using my right hand/arm (my good side, grrr)and that's incluing typing. I got a second hand PC laptop so I could use dragon but I can't find anyone who's willing to give me a copy. If I can't get hold of it I will forced to type my dissertation on a bloody on-screen keyboard!

There are a few other bits I could do with if people have them but they are far less important. They include, Read and Write Gold, Inspiration, photoshop and so on ..

So if anyone can help me out i would be so greatful. I am so behind on my uni work after being sick for so long, I am struggling to catch up.

Back with a bigger and better updates soon!

This woman, my supposed carer, is driving me up the fucking wall. Help me.

Tags: carers

read this for me please? It's an ad asking for models for this years uni project. Do pass it on if you think of anyone who might be interested.

"Hello,
the world
My name is Imogen and I am studying Photography at Anglia Ruskin University in Cambridge, I am in my final year.

As a disabled person I have previously done self portraits attempting to offer insight into a different world. I worked with women who self-harmed, young girls who have eating disorders and people in gay and lesbian relationships. I enjoy the chance to give people a look at a whole side of life that they might not otherwise see. Collectively we have an opportunity to dispel myths, explain things that might be misunderstood or simply offer to let people see you.

This year I want to address the issue of those who consider themselves to be gender queer. The world seems stuck on there being a very simple answer to gender, two options and no room for movement. Transsexuality, transgendered other Trans issues are by no means always accepted or understood, but many at least know of the words and there meaning. Gender queer isn't a term you hear often and many don't understand the concept of gender being fluid.

I am currently looking for willing volunteers to take part in my project. I need as many people as possible to take part! I am hoping for people in all kinds of genger identities and sexual orientations. People who are in/not in relationships, those moving through transition or those still unsure of where they are.

I live in Cambridge and am a full time wheelchair so I am going to try and do shoots with people who live close-ish or offer a little bit of money, and a place to crash if needed, for travel.

I have been working as a photographer for six years and you can see some of my work online here; http://www.flickr.com/photos/indigoclouds/ & http://www.indigoclouds.com/. If you would like more information or just want to ask some questions then feel free to contact me: Imogen@indigoclouds.com

--
Imogen May - 07792808117 - www.IndigoClouds.com"

Tags: models, photography, plea, university
Current Mood: cold

Would you mind reading through this for me?


Dear Dr Grande,

I attended your clinic on Friday 3rd October but due to my using a power wheelchair I was unable to gain entry into your office.
Under the DDA those who offer a service need to make reasonable adjustments so that people with impairments are able to access everything that your non-disabled patient‘s can.

Having spoken to you about this issue previously I am disappointed there are still no signs of your making changes.

I have previously worked with Cambridge City Council on their Disability Consultative Panel and I would be happy to help you make changes and give advice on how to make your service accessible to all disabled people.

As I was unable to see you on 3rd Oct, despite making an appointment to see you specifically, I would ask for you to arrange a mutually suitable time to offer a home visit. I have left my contact details at the top of this letter.

I was doing much better but I seem to have been slipping back again and now I feel so rubbish :(

Bed time, I'm shattered x